I haven’t been to church these past few weeks for a few different reasons.
Two weeks ago, I overslept.
Services got canceled last week due to inclement weather.
This week, I just need a break. I already got an ass-kicking from a sermon on Tuesday. On Thursday, I met up with my mentor person to talk about what the Bible says about community and loving others. Then I went to a Bible study/small group meeting about building healthy relationships on Friday.
As much as I enjoy hearing and studying God’s word, I really need some time off during the week to reflect and pray about it before I go trying to absorb more “knowledge.”
This gem greeted me in the mail today. It’s awesome for a few reasons:
I’m mad.
I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m pissed off.
I’m not really sure how many other ways I can put it.
I’ve been caught in a rut for the past few weeks because I keep reading/hearing about how people are doing things for God’s glory and how happy they are about it and yadda, yadda, yadda…
So it stands to reason that I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something and I haven’t a @#$%ing clue what it is.
And then people go telling me, “It’s not what you do that matters, it’s where your heart is.”
Yeah, that’s great. My heart’s set on helping people. Isn’t that enough?
Yeah, I know God’s forgiven me. Now I gotta work to make sure I stay worthy of that grace, right? I mean, I can’t be letting God down when he’s invested so much into me.
Surprise, surprise–that’s totally not the case.
@#$%. #&%$ to the nth degree.
I’m not angry because of something I have to do. I’m angry because I don’t $#@%ing get it when I feel like I’m supposed to.
I’m angry because I feel defeated.
And it sucks.
A few weeks ago, one of my friends dumped me.
At first I was sad. I blamed and crucified myself for allowing the friendship to fall apart.
Then I got angry. He dropped me when I was most vulnerable. What kind of friend does that?
Then I would try to push it out of my mind. No use in gathering regret for the things I can’t change now.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
According to Lizabeth, my mentor, that’s what the typical grieving process is like. Different emotions are evoked each time when revisiting events that lead to the death of someone/something.
It was no secret that I was emotionally invested in the guy. I had been for a long time. After all, 7 years is a long time to know someone. We were comfortable with each other. We had fun with each other.
Looking back on it all, though, I also feel little used…and perhaps unfairly toyed with.
But despite how…crappy I can feel at times, the silver lining still shines brighter than the mushroom cloud.
[ image from wikipedia ]