I’m mad.
I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m pissed off.
I’m not really sure how many other ways I can put it.
I’ve been caught in a rut for the past few weeks because I keep reading/hearing about how people are doing things for God’s glory and how happy they are about it and yadda, yadda, yadda…
So it stands to reason that I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something and I haven’t a @#$%ing clue what it is.
And then people go telling me, “It’s not what you do that matters, it’s where your heart is.”
Yeah, that’s great. My heart’s set on helping people. Isn’t that enough?
Yeah, I know God’s forgiven me. Now I gotta work to make sure I stay worthy of that grace, right? I mean, I can’t be letting God down when he’s invested so much into me.
Surprise, surprise–that’s totally not the case.
@#$%. #&%$ to the nth degree.
I’m not angry because of something I have to do. I’m angry because I don’t $#@%ing get it when I feel like I’m supposed to.
I’m angry because I feel defeated.
And it sucks.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Can I just say, I have been feeling the same way lately? In pretty much almost the exact way that you just put it. I've been feeling kind of defeated, and overwhelmed, and like I will never really have a chance to do anything. I try to be patient and to trust in God's plan, but sometimes it's really, really hard.
I'm fairly certain that the cause of my frustration was that I had fallen back into the trap of thinking that my destiny was in MY hands (or that if I didn't do things right, I'd screw up God's plan). Hello, self-righteousness.
It's a sermon from my RUF campus minister that made me realize what it was. It's the last one on this page if you're interested in giving it a listen.
Repenting of self-righteousness wasn't exactly easy since, you know, it meant admitting I was wrong.