“I’ve been on dates with Christian women before, and none of them have made as big a deal of the whole religion thing as you have.”

That wasn’t supposed to be a compliment, but I took it as one.

I had been on a few dates with this guy who wasn’t Christian.  I won’t lie–the guy was super dreamy and we would have been awesome together.  It’s just that…well, you know, he wasn’t Christian.

I was really torn up about whether or not I wanted to keep seeing him.  I couldn’t remember the last time a guy was this into me and I actually had fun going on dates with him.  Then there was the fact that I hadn’t kissed a dude in forever (I thank God for not even letting me get that far with him).

But going with him meant going away from Jesus.  I’m already a hypocrite as it is–that is, I do a bad enough job of giving Him the praise and glory He deserves–did I really want to intentionally walk away from Him (again)?

Doing both wasn’t an option, either.  My attention would be dedicated to one or the other.  Sure, I would have been forgiven if I went with that guy and came back, but it just didn’t make any sense to do that.  I had been down this road before.  I knew how things would turn out and it wouldn’t be pretty.

I knew I needed a guy who could worship and love Jesus with me.  This guy wasn’t it.

In response to what he said to me about making a big deal out of Jesus, all I had to tell him in response was the Gospel.

God gave me a gift I didn’t deserve.  Jesus died on the cross for sinners and criminals like me.  Because of Jesus’ sacrifice for me, I can be presented before God as sinless and blameless.

He loves me more than this guy ever could.

I couldn’t walk away from that.

When temptation sorely presses,
In the day of Satan’s power,
In our times of deep distresses,
In each dark and trying hour.

By thy mercy, O deliver us, Good Lord

- Matthew Smith – By Thy Mercy

Being loved by someone else can be painful.

Sometimes, I get angry at Him for loving me too much.

I don’t want Him to want me.

I want Him to give up on me so that I can finally stop hurting Him over and over and over again.

But He won’t go.

And my wretchedness will never stop.

I don’t deserve Him, and yet He insists that He’ll be there for me forever.

For thy Maker is thine husband;
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel;
The God of the whole earth shall he be called.

Isaiah 54:6

I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop worrying about what other people think of me, because I had another one of those episodes where I froze up in fear because I was around so many people.

I learned a thing or two about communal living at Summer Conference, too.  Sharing a room with 10 other girls was no walk in the park for me.  (This isn’t a judgment on their characters–I’m just used to having a lot of privacy)

Both of these things were a lesson on what it means to be a part of a community because they forced me to try to stop being self-centered and/or self-loathing long enough to try to focus and love on others.

Despite some of the road blocks I ran into during my stay at Laguna Beach, I am still exceedingly grateful for the girls from Winthrop that came to Summer Conference.  They encouraged me while I was in the dumps about things that shouldn’t have mattered as much to me as they did and they were simply a lot of fun to be with.  Granted, I didn’t get to spend a significant amount of time with all the girls there, but I’m still grateful for them.

With all that being said, I’m not sure how I’m going to handle living with roommates once I move out of the house for grad school.

This year was the first year that I attended RUF Summer Conference at Laguna Beach, Florida.

It was awesome. It was an entire week of learning, having fun, eating, and not getting enough sleep.

It was so awesome that I wanna take some time to recap some of the most significant things I learned while I was there–the first of those being what it means to “take up your cross” and to “die to yourself.”

I didn’t understand them because I didn’t understand what it meant to forgive others.  I always figured it was some happy zen moment where I would think, “I am at peace.  Therefore, I can forgive my brother/sister for his/her sin against me.”

Haha.  Yeah.  Right.

Forgiving others for their sins against me (or my loved ones) means I will never have the vengeance I want for what they’ve done, and that sucks.  The pain of knowing that I can’t make that person pay is there to give me a glimpse into what God felt when he came down as Jesus to die on the cross for my sins.

God gave up his right to vengeance by forgiving us so that we could know his love for us and it cost him a lot to do it.  Therefore, in my love for others, I should also “take up my cross” and “die to myself”–even for those who I don’t think deserve it (Colossians 1:21-22, Romans 7:4).

Of course, that doesn’t mean I’ll never be able to confront others for their sins, because even though our sins are forgiven before God, He still disciplines us out of love for us.  But that’s a topic for another blog post.

About a month ago, I started reading a book called Amazing Grace by Kathleen Norris at the recommendation of two of my friends from Prince George, British Columbia (where I studied abroad for a semester).  It’s about the author’s experiences with scary “Christianese” words (like “eschatology,” “antichrist,” “prayer,” etc.) and they actually became alive for her.

What I like about this book is that she doesn’t get all that technical when she’s talking about these words.  Instead, she tells stories–stories that really resonate with me.

I’ve read probably a fifth of the book by now, but I think I want to go back and blog about some of my favorite quotes and thoughts about them.  I’ll probably be posting about it irregularly, but nevertheless, it should be fun.

Sunday afternoons are busy at Red Bowl.  A lot of people come to eat there after church.

Towards the end of my shift, I overheard one of the servers talking with a group in the party room talking about religion and the Gospel.  The group was from a non-denominational church.  From what I could understand, they weren’t big fans of traditional churches.  “We just want to follow Jesus,” one of them said.

I cringed a little bit–it always bothers me when people reject other churches (which are also part of the body of Christ) based on preconceived notions that aren’t always correct.  I go to a church that one might deem “traditional,” and I know plenty of people there who are very passionate about Jesus and the Gospel.

But I digress.

Anyway, for a second, I wondered about if the people in that group had a solid theology supporting the things they were saying about the Gospel because, well, good theology kinda matters.

But then I thought, “Well, if God set up this encounter so that they’d have a chance to proclaim the Gospel, whatever happens is up to Him.  So, whatever.  Good for them, I guess.”

I’ve been “back on the market” for well over a month now (see my posts on my dating sabbatical).

Nothing’s really changed other than my willingness oogle at cute boys (with no intention of ever pursuing them).

Sometimes, when I pray, though, I’ll be like, “Hey, God.  If you could send some cool Christian dude my way, that would be awesome!”

Part of me hopes God says yes.  The other part of me wants me to slap myself for being so goofy.

What’s up, world?

I’ve got a confession to make.  I’ve been putting off praying and spending time in the Bible.  I’ve been consuming hours of television shows like Lost and Fullmetal Alchemist because I don’t want to think about praying or spending time in the Bible.

I don’t even want to talk to my Christian friends about my troubles.  I don’t want to have to tell people that things aren’t okay.  I don’t want to be told how to “fix” things and I don’t want to talk about God.  I don’t want to be told there’s something wrong with me or that I need to change.  I don’t want to try to make new friends.  I don’t want to be forced to be around people because I’m afraid of people and I’m afraid they won’t understand me.

A lot of times, I wish things could go back to being the way they were before.  Everything seemed so much easier then.  People left me alone and I didn’t have to worry about pleasing anyone except myself.

I’ve already said that my year off from dating taught me how to be a better friend to guys.  That statement isn’t entirely correct.  And it sounds kinda goofy.

It taught me how to be a better friend.  Period.

My friend circle includes girls, too, ya know.  I wasn’t good to them before because I was too busy chasing guys.  Chasing guys meant…well, that was all I was really preoccupied with as far as my social life went, so it kinda figures I wasn’t trying that hard to be anyone’s friend.  It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but that’s what it was.

So now what?

I guess I’ll continue taking in the rain and hope I produce a crop useful to for whom it is farmed.  Or as my mentor person puts it, I’ll be hanging out in God’s workshop.

I’ll be letting you know how that goes.

Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.  Hebrews 6:7 (NIV)