I’ve already said that my year off from dating taught me how to be a better friend to guys. That statement isn’t entirely correct. And it sounds kinda goofy.
It taught me how to be a better friend. Period.
My friend circle includes girls, too, ya know. I wasn’t good to them before because I was too busy chasing guys. Chasing guys meant…well, that was all I was really preoccupied with as far as my social life went, so it kinda figures I wasn’t trying that hard to be anyone’s friend. It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but that’s what it was.
So now what?
I guess I’ll continue taking in the rain and hope I produce a crop useful to for whom it is farmed. Or as my mentor person puts it, I’ll be hanging out in God’s workshop.
I’ll be letting you know how that goes.
I’m mad.
I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m pissed off.
I’m not really sure how many other ways I can put it.
I’ve been caught in a rut for the past few weeks because I keep reading/hearing about how people are doing things for God’s glory and how happy they are about it and yadda, yadda, yadda…
So it stands to reason that I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something and I haven’t a @#$%ing clue what it is.
And then people go telling me, “It’s not what you do that matters, it’s where your heart is.”
Yeah, that’s great. My heart’s set on helping people. Isn’t that enough?
Yeah, I know God’s forgiven me. Now I gotta work to make sure I stay worthy of that grace, right? I mean, I can’t be letting God down when he’s invested so much into me.
Surprise, surprise–that’s totally not the case.
@#$%. #&%$ to the nth degree.
I’m not angry because of something I have to do. I’m angry because I don’t $#@%ing get it when I feel like I’m supposed to.
I’m angry because I feel defeated.
And it sucks.
A few weeks ago, one of my friends dumped me.
At first I was sad. I blamed and crucified myself for allowing the friendship to fall apart.
Then I got angry. He dropped me when I was most vulnerable. What kind of friend does that?
Then I would try to push it out of my mind. No use in gathering regret for the things I can’t change now.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
According to Lizabeth, my mentor, that’s what the typical grieving process is like. Different emotions are evoked each time when revisiting events that lead to the death of someone/something.
It was no secret that I was emotionally invested in the guy. I had been for a long time. After all, 7 years is a long time to know someone. We were comfortable with each other. We had fun with each other.
Looking back on it all, though, I also feel little used…and perhaps unfairly toyed with.
But despite how…crappy I can feel at times, the silver lining still shines brighter than the mushroom cloud.
[ image from wikipedia ]
by Vy on 17 December 2009
Actually, my semester ended two days ago. All sorts of interesting things happened during that past few months.
I made new friends.
I reconnected with old friends.
I went through a “I’m-not-sure-if-I-want-to-major-in-this” crisis. Yes, I’m sticking with healthcare management.
I finally learned what it’s like to be a part of Christian community/family.
I had an Indian professor who actually knew how to teach well. It was the most glorious accounting class ever.
I resisted the temptation of jumping the first guy who told me he thought I was cute (yeah, I still have that problem).
I learned the joys of almond butter.
I am one semester closer to graduation and grad school. Dang.
I learned what it’s like to actually collaborate with people on group projects.
I baked more cookies and cake this semester than I ever have.
I had less money this semester than I ever had.
And last but definitely not least, God grew me in a lot of different ways. Or at least that’s what I’m told.
Yet, I feel like hardly any time as passed at all nor have I changed one bit.
[ image by zaveqna ]
